Sure, we all know someone who has gone through the process and seen the emotional toll it can take, but the “how to” is another story entirely. As an ordeal that can be draining mentally and financially, it’s important to be prepared. Knowledge is power! That’s why we’ve spoken withAttorney Heather Brooke Quick, Esquire, founder and CEO Florida Women’s Law Group to break down the step-by-step as well asDr. Sanam Hafeez, a New York-based Neuropsychologist Faculty Member at Columbia University to weigh in on the emotional aspects. “Divorce is not something that any married person planned for and it is very stressful. Whether a divorce is something you are contemplating, or your spouse has told you they want it is extremely emotional, says Quick. “Many people are not sure where to begin and are left feeling overwhelmed.” Here are the steps you can take now to get started.
How to get a divorce
Step 1: Call a divorce attorney
You may not feel that you’re ready to start the divorce process, but before you do anything, it is essential that you consult a divorce attorney, according to Quick. Talking to one early on will help you know what you need to do and discover all your possible options. It’s also beneficial to have someone you can talk to in confidence about your marriage that has experience and knowledge to offer advice and guidance. “Before filing for divorce, unless you are in a physically dangerous situation such as domestic violence, be sure you have exhausted all options such as couples counseling, and thought of the pros and cons of what divorce would look like for you, especially if you have children,” says Dr. Hafeez. “Making that first call is difficult and scary, as it represents a step toward finality and the dissolution of a marriage. As hard as it might be, think of it as empowering yourself. Instead of remaining in murky territory of should I/shouldn’t I, you have come to a decision.” A divorce attorney is someone who will be on your side and be able to think through legal decisions rationally, Dr. Hafeez explains. A divorce attorney can also advise you against taking certain actions that you might make in haste, anger, and emotion that could harm you down the road from a legal standpoint.
Step 2: Assemble financial documents
Getting a clear picture of your marital financial situation is essential. “You need to get documentation on all assets, debts and income. Gathering these documents before you file will be easier in case your spouse tries to hide money or assets once the divorce begins,” Quick states. “You will need copies of tax returns, bank statements, mortgage statements, investment accounts, retirement accounts, credit card statements and any other loan documents.” This may feel sneaky and underhanded at first, as a marriage is supposed to be a partnership built on trust. But without the advice of an attorney, Dr. Hafeez says, you might not know what documents are needed, what is legal to obtain, and the lawful ways to go about finding the information. Having an attorney to guide you through this process will make it feel less “shameful” and manipulative as you understand why the attorney needs this to build a case for your future financial life and other issues, says Dr. Hafeez. You may feel guilt going through these documents, and an attorney can help keep your mind on track and remind you what each one is essential.
Step 3: Open new checking and saving accounts
As you begin to contemplate divorce, open a new checking and savings account in your name only, and with a bank other than the one you use jointly, Quick says. Start putting money away in those accounts to help with the cost of divorce and expenses once you’re on your own.
Step 4: Build your credit
Open a credit card in your name to help you build your credit individually. This will also help for expenses that come up that you do not immediately have the cash to pay, says Quick. “Also, get a copy of your credit report. This will give you a picture of all debts in your name, known and unknown. You can resolve any credit disputes and monitor your credit to make sure accounts are not being opened in your name and joint accounts are not being run up,” he explains.
Step 5: Change your will and medical directive
Your will probably has your spouse as your main benefactor. You will need to alter your will to limit their portion of your estate, Quick states. Your medical directive gives them power to make all medical decisions should something dire happen to you. You will not want your soon-to-be-ex making life or death decisions about you if something unthinkable were to happen during divorce proceedings.
Step 6: Calculate your expenses
Knowing what your expenses will be like without your partner will be helpful in preparing your for how much money you will need to live. Document your expenses for two to three months to get a clear picture, Quick explains. Capture every expenditure including groceries, gas, haircuts, eating out, car, daycare and sitters, pets, clothes and trips to Target, the list goes on. One of the most difficult parts of divorce is the change in standard of living, so having a realistic view of expenses will help you plan for your future on your own.
Step 8: Update your social media and email address
Before filing for divorce, open a new email account that your spouse does not know about or can’t access. You don’t want to email anything that either your spouse’s attorney can see and use against you. This goes for social media as well, says Quick. Be aware of what you post and comments you make, too, and be conscious of your behavior before you file especially when it comes to romantic relationships, Quick states. Consult your attorney on starting a relationship during your divorce, too, as the rules vary depending on the state you live in. “Changing an email address is most likely the easiest part of this equation. If you harbor anger against you soon-to-be ex spouse, or you were cheated on, you might view social media as a way to ’lash out,’" Dr. Hafeez explains. “It might be tempting, if you were the one rejected, to post pictures of yourself with romantic partners, or people who appear to be romantic partners to spite your ex. When we are scared, angry, or frustrated, it is very tempting to sit behind a keyboard and do any number of things that soothe our emotions in the moment.” Do your best to talk yourself through the moments and remind yourself that “instant gratification” of certain emotionally charged posts can come back to haunt you later financially, or when it comes to a custody situation.
Step 8: Find a support group
Divorce is difficult, and it is helpful to have people you can lean on for strength and support. Find a support group or friends who are going through a divorce; they’ll have a better understanding of what you are going through than someone who has never been down the same road, Quick says. Another reason to do this? When people get divorced friends are bound to take signs, Dr. Hafeez explains. The sad reality is that you will likely lose some friends, as will your spouse. This is just one of the reasons why it’s essential to find a support group of other soon-to-be or newly divorced people. This will enable you to understand that many of the feelings you have are not at all unique to you. There might be someone in the group whose story is eerily similar to your own, and you can commiserate with that person and also learn from their experience. In addition, you have the chance to make newly single friends! Next, read the biggest mistake celebrities make during divorce, according to an attorney.
Sources
Attorney Heather Brooke Quick, Esquire, founder and CEO Florida Women’s Law GroupSanam Hafeez, NYC Neuropsychologist Faculty Member at Columbia University
